Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
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[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…