People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
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Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
True
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me driving through Toronto
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.