People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
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At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Mood.. 😂
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
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Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.