“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
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MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
How actors in movies eat their food
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.