I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
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*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
they should invent a hydrating liquor
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
My kitchen overserved me.
reviewed some movies recently
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know