*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
You Might Also Like
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Has science gone too far?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.