Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
You Might Also Like
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.