Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
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*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old