It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
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Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
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There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
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*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet