It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
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I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.