My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
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Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Ugh
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.