Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
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“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby