My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
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Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Wait a minute…
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.