[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
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when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.