Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
You Might Also Like
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.