Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
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My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
“i miss shittin on people”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I hope Alan is OK
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.