Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
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HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I’m not proud
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head