The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
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“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
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If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*![]()
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.