The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
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Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.