Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
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Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.