Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
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ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
😬
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.