How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
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MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.