anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
You Might Also Like
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
When he asks for feet pics
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.