hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
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One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.