@Cpin42

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

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@HenpeckedHal

“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me

@Mytwoscentz

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

@Marlebean

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

@MarfSalvador

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

@MomOnFire

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

@EliTerry

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

@hipchkk

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

@GingerGander

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

@shanethevein

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.