My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

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“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me


I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum


Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?


[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly


Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”


Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.


Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished


A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…


I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.