1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
You Might Also Like
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I’m having an out of money experience.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.