angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
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My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!