Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
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Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.