Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
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A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Me too door. Me too.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
no refunds
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
they finally got him. they got macavity
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
me, too, girl. me, too.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”