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Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?