Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
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THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Air conditioning – not a fan
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.