I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
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wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training