[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
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Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
When I said I liked it rough.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.