It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
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Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.