Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
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Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.