I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.![]()
You Might Also Like
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”