I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
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That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Matt Goss
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.