9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
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*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I am HOWLING at this
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Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.