9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
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[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”