Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
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Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.