Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
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Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates