The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
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[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
When you’re Kinky but poor
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)