[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
You Might Also Like
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Oh my god
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day