[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
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Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
i wish i could marry a nap
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well