Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
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Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I triple waxed for this?
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
A wise man once said nothing.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person