[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
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A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
you will never know the true number of layers
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.