Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
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Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
If you know, you know
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.