Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
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Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…