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Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
#NeverForget
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die