Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
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My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.