@sixfootcandy (Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
@johnvvariety heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
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@sixfootcandy 
@Josievorenkamp When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
@thepunningman [hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
@withanewname [looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
@ashhhhhhole this is the best day of my life
@Stella1070 I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
@MomofTeen That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
@LuvPug Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
@JimmerThatisAll People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
@bornmiserable LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer