(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
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When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
[looking at pics]
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
this is the best day of my life
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer