Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
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Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
my fav colour is also hitler
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
they finally got him. they got macavity