Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
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I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*