Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
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Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
🖤✌🏽
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Never be a pizza!
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me