My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
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Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
tell em, edith-anne
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.